leeyang

2011-07-14T01:52:00.001+08:00

And i do feel fortunate at times, everything's not just going fine, it's going great. I probably shouldn't let just one thing in life bring me down. It's funny how some people wants a life like mine, while i'm here sitting wishing i had the life of another. That's human nature huh. :) Surprisingly, every time i feel like i'm down in the pits, i do feel strongly that this just isn't right. Not because i deserve any better, but because i'm already receiving the best.

I must be doing something right in life, to have all these great things happening, and all the great people around me. An occasional stumble wouldn't hurt when they're all here to hold me up whenever i lose my balance anyways. :)

Did i ever tell you, I really love you, and every single one of you too. :>

2011-07-14T00:49:00.000+08:00

Ah well, i'd look at this as a personal diary thing. But it's so darn embarrassing even for myself to read through what i've wrote sometimes. :S weirdddd. I guess no matter how much i think i'm all grown up, i'm still a kid when i'm all alone.

I was just thinking last night. It's right to say that we should never judge others. You could feel that it's like the weight of the world lying on your shoulders, when you have to take up the responsibility of taking care of both yourself and your family when you're still just a student. You'd mature quickly, grow up responsibly and whatnot. But would it be right for you to scoff at someone who feels the very same, breathless under the crushing feeling you get, but for another reason which you deem to be of much less importance? To feel anger at such a situation, is it simply just you blaming yourself on your less fortunate life, or did it all stem from your huge sense of self-pity waiting to burst out. Hmmm, I guess it was yet another unfinished thought that went through my mind. But i guess everyone deserves respect for their own persistence somehow.

2011-07-14T00:41:00.000+08:00

I'd like to apologize to myself for all the childishness and uncalled-for heartbreaks. :/ Just grow up kiddo! It's all part of growing up i think, but sometimes i'd wish i'd learn faster, or simply from the example of others, but you just gotta crash and burn and learn some stuff yourself, maybe?

2011-06-30T06:06:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, in the middle of the day like today, my mind tends to wander off. This happens more often than not (: Does this happen to anyone else? I'm always thinking of something else even when i have something on hand, even when i'm cycling, driving, avoiding cars or what not. I'm amazed i've survived till today heh. And today, i started thinking, does anyone truly know themselves well enough to confidently say they do know themselves? People who likes things simple probably would shrug this question off even if it did come up in their minds, maybe? There are people who instead, complicate their own lives by thinking, i'm too complicating a character to understand. Which would you want to be? Learning about one-self probably is a lifelong journey, and you might not get to the end even after you're buried under sand. What i've noticed is that, the happier folks are those who are at peace with themselves, and no, they were not simpletons who simply grew content with their lives. We spend a lifetime trying to define and change ourselves to our expectations, to others' expectations. We scoff at people who don't make the cut, feel superior when we are placed in a higher position up in society. But then, what are you expecting in return for reaching your goals, when they might not be your goals after all. After all the effort placed to earn that six figure monthly salary, to own all the luxurious things you could only dream of years ago. Is that what you really wanted, or something life made you want to want. Being rich is great, of course, I'd want to be rich too. But sometimes, i get lost in my vision. Is this simply the nature of ours to survive, to be ahead of other's, to hoard it all up, to keep us safe. In this age, money would be the equivalent of everything we need to survive. What a horrible thing, really. If you were one to truly love the comforts of life at the expense of everything else, you'd feel great when you do achieve that, regardless of what you've sacrificed along the way. I've no idea what i want either, it's like i'm trapped between reality and dreams, but i'm reluctant to let go of either, but then again, that's all in the future isn't it. I strive for balance, and i know it's hard, but i'll try anyways. Feeling alive is what i need in life. We all die, but not all of us live. The thought of being drawn into a endless work cycle, mindlessly wasting the rest of our lives away, is terrifying. And for this very reason, i will never let another take control my life, and i pity those who do. A mother who spends her life caring for her child does so not because she's forced to, but because of the love in her heart, and that's different. In the end, i guess i'm simply afraid, afraid of what holds for me in the future, if it's something i'd have wanted, and if i'd learn to regret the choices i've made. I've had regrets in life, but i've learnt to accept them, and live with them. But the "what if's" are simply killing me; the brain and the heart tugs at different directions all the time, it's surely tearing something apart inside. I wish i'd just grow up faster, and spare myself these thoughts, but looking at all the adults around me, they never did seem like they've found a way out of it. Will i be able to? :/ This inner peace that's almost impossible to find, let me find it.

and I simply miss having you in my life. I love the way we never had to seek to impress each other, or be any different than we usually are, yet everything still felt so right. I never wanted or gave pretence, or hid behind anything, but i guess life just made a terrible joke out of it all.

nyehhhhhhhhhhhh!!

2011-06-29T06:58:00.001+08:00

oh yes i did it again, fml. lolol. looking at all the not-so-old older posts, blahhhhhh. I can't believe myself, roar! Like some smart guy out there said, you don't laugh at the same joke over and over again. Okay, maybe i do, but no that's beside the point. Why do i keep falling over and over again for you, it, all, everything? :/

Life goes on, whether you're happy or sad. Life sucks, but it has it's perks. Life sucks, i know. That's life as we know it, but the time for a change will come, i do believe it will. (: I don't think i'll ever stop falling in the meantime though, cause it's through such excruciating moments that comes the better times, and you'll never feel more alive if you do make it. idk wtf am i saying actually, but here's to a better life.

Just for once, i want someone to be afraid of losing me.

2011-06-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

Fuck myself though, there probably were tons who did/does feel that way, and i never learnt to appreciate shit.

2011-06-14T02:23:00.000+08:00

The conflicting thoughts in my mind is crazy. Sucks to be born this way (: Not a moment of inner peace, tried my best to rein them in, or to get rid of them. But at the end of the day, this is who I am, and I'm proud of it. I need not hide, nor do i need to fear, for this is me. And i feel alive.

2011-06-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

Just another day like any other, nothing in the sky said run for cover. Just another reason, never thought it would end this way. There was no parade, no lights flashing. No song to sing along the way. There was no parade.

2011-06-09T03:00:00.002+08:00

let the tears flow in silence.

2011-06-09T02:46:00.000+08:00

I'm just a fucking fool. Why the fuck did i have to go and do what i did to myself. I knew she wouldn't care, she won't show the care and concern that i need, that i was hoping for. I wish i could just die this very instant, or just fastforward time to see what lies waiting at the end. I say i carry no more hopes, no more expectations. Lies. All of it. How much more of this can i take before i break. I asked for this, i might as well have placed my heart in a blackhole, at least it'd have taken it whole and never returned it. fuck.

2011-06-03T00:19:00.000+08:00

If only you knew how much you mattered to me. How easily i feel hurt over you in an instant, and how i'm feeling all sad over it. I love with all i have and i can't lie. Love me, or hurt me.

2011-06-02T00:11:00.000+08:00

Biting on my lips so hard that it bleeds. I can't put you out of my heart either. I guess this is how it feels to be let down too often. Only a fool would persist, and it takes an idiot to smile still. I feel stupid already, haha :(

2011-06-01T13:28:00.000+08:00

Yeah. It's finally over. Disowned by a monster of a sister, well done ly. You finally broke free. But seriously, 13 years my senior and the maturity of a 12. Hopeless for me :( Oh well, at least the others are better, the exact opposite in fact. Living in the family's wayyyyy stressful, i think they're all way too much older, sure caused a fast maturity in me sadly.

Putting that aside, the other problem's still hanging. Man i feel awful as fuck. I kinda know how bad it must feel to not be loved back by the one you love, i really do. When you're ready as fuck to give up all you have. How you can't stop thinking of him/her, how you wish he/she'd treat you like you're the most important thing in the world. I know it's hard, and i know you just can't will yourself to stop thinking about it even if you wanted to. You simply numb yourself to the pain and live with it, like a scar etched forever till you find a better one. In fact, perhaps it remains even till then, and after.

I wish i could just roar out my frustrations, every single bit of it. If i was born a female, i would be dying to cry it out instead. But no, i'm doing neither. I i know tell everyone to stand up for themselves, but i figured i never did learn to do it myself either. The situation's icky, and disgusting, and annoying. What's going on man, don't leave me floundering and lost, it's real upsetting, and i'm plenty sad enough already. Pictures that makes my mind go numb, leaving me not knowing wtf to think of it. Do you really understand how bad that feels.

Does everybody treat me so, like i'm okay to be the first to go, to be hurt, to be left with grief. Even the closest friends think that i'll be strong enough to survive every bit of shit thrown at me. Maybe i really am, enduring enough, but why do i have to go through all of this. Really.

Puzzled.

2011-05-30T09:02:00.000+08:00

Just how far does one's patience run, i wonder. Very very far. This is just weird.

Went shopping! (: i'm totally a guy, max level'ed, and a girl too. Go figure. hahaha

Lost.

2011-05-28T13:20:00.001+08:00

I've no idea what to think, what to do, what to make out of the whole thing anymore. Set me right, or set me free. :(

2011-05-22T16:44:00.002+08:00

i wish, upon a shooting star, and it wasnt an airplane kind of star, that i could for once know what you really think inside. i wish, i wish, i wished. dont kill my heart, you're awfully close that i feel it dying. it hurts.

The return of the king.

2011-05-20T12:54:00.001+08:00

I've no idea how i managed to dig this up! It's actually pretty amusing to read through all the previous posts i made <: Brings back all the memories and the feelings i had at those moments. I'm not proud at how angsty or whiny i was.. I guess they were part of life? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, don't they?

Looking back, i sure seemed like i suffered and did a lot of self-pitying, it's embarrassing :S And oh well, i don't seem to have learnt from the painful lesson though. Feels like history's repeating itself somehow, and no, that's not a good thing :( Be optimistic bobo! hahaha.

It's been about.. 16 days at San Diego? I'll probably come back a really healthy kid, since i'm fixing every meal for everyone, like a good daddy would! Biking, running, weights, they're all here too, i even got myself another tub of powder, which i don't think i'll be taking anyways hmm..

16 days.. and we're still talking, a little at least. (: Actually, I've no idea how to face you nowadays. I'm so easily affected that it's silly, probably just me being queer, as usual. Me being me, i'm still just as impatient and sensitive as ever hahaha. I guess that's really really hard to change. I'm totally bringing myself into a whole lot of trouble this time eh? Good job me, roar. You haven't kept a single promise to me yet, in fact, I'm afraid when you promise me anything at all. I can't bring myself to not care though, awful me. I'm like totally prepared though, somehow. I'll be your life buoy if i have to, don't worry a thing about it (:

It's been a great experience though, I've never tried in such stuffs before and it was.. interesting, to put it mildly. One should never get used to suffering and self-pitying till it becomes a norm or you actually start wanting it. That's horrible aye! And sigh, no matter how hard i try, i still feel guilty talking to any one of you, sometimes. I never had the rights nor the intention to hurt any of you, I sure hope i did not. I actually had a dream of something of this matter recently and it sure ended horribly, nooooo!

I'll just have to stick around for another.. 4 months? and i'll be done. :) Suck it up bobo!

p.s
I hate it when people don't take what i'm saying/typing seriously, like seriously seriously. Even more so when i have to repeat myself. It's a pisces thing they say! :) and i don't have to worry about that here, awzm!

holidays.. =)

2010-06-05T15:56:00.000+08:00

hey hey, our short holidays are here! and im starting it off by forgetting to put my work schedule, so hey hey, no work for the first week! LOL. isnt such a bad thing really =D

this term's been pretty okay i guess? started off with me feeling like a complete idiot, like wow, everyone here sounds really interested in playing games, have lots of knowledge and the likes. but oh well, i guess that's not really true. cant believe im still in the same class as kai and asher though. fml =(

on a lighter note, i'll just take this chance to express my love to my friends who've been accompanying me all the time i need you guys around. thanks =D and dont feel shy approaching me either! i'm not THAT busy HAHAHA.

there are a great many nights where i'll be thinking, hey, wouldnt it be great to have a certain someone to confide in, someone you can trust, hold on to with all you hold dear. but i guess that certain someone doesnt exist. not yet anyways.

lets keep this short

2010-05-20T22:10:00.000+08:00

its amazing really, on how life turns out to be. are these things really happening? =O no effing idea if its good or bad, but oh well. we'll see how it goes =)

don't think too much, okay?!

2010-05-17T16:46:00.000+08:00

and it applies to everyone, including me! I do not tend to ignore anyone and such unless they make me really uncomfortable, and believe me, my tolerance threshold is really great. i just felt that i should keep a safe distance between us, so that you could get over it faster, and let go sooner? but i guess it's alright, you understand how i feel, and we can still be great friends =) just don't hook me up =x

it's been hectic weeks, i've either been studying or working or learning to play the piano(which i fucking still suck at), or Trying to go out. When the hell am i gonna be able to play a song i like! The teacher said most people take a year, wtf. I'll almost be in NS by then, fuck. HAHAHA. oh well, good luck to me, maybe the genius part of me will help. =D

On a heavier note, it's sad that i let my results fall for the second sem, not that im some geek that needs his daily dose of 3.8 but, meh, the things were really simple, why didn't i bother to study at all _|_ my brother says its cause of having a girlfriend etc, but nah, cant really blame it on anyone but myself, i was never too hardworking to begin with. Stress is building up though, wtf am i gonna do if i get kicked off my scholarship lolol. I need the monthly allowance pleaseeeee. Other than that, hey mom, why don't you just give me a couple of hundred more per month and i'll stop working at sst, i could use the extra time! =D yeah right, fat hope. then dont expect me to bring home another gf soon, lolol. and stop making fun of me and girls okay, u annoying siblings! though im like your only source of entertainment now. tsk!!

memories

2010-05-15T17:22:00.002+08:00

Once in a while, as i move along life, i still do recall things we did together, and whatever. They could be pleasant, horrible, or neither, yet they still are the memories that I've shared with you, something special that only the two of us know, and will ever know. It takes affinity, for two people to actually like each other at the same time, else there would not be so many rejections in life which i see all around. I consider myself lucky i suppose, it's my first try, first time, and first break-up. Now i can tell myself, hey, i've been there, done it. Was it great? It does have its moments, but i'm also certain that these experiences have taught me a great many things i would not have found out in my everyday life.

Sadly to say, i know its hard to make the right choices, but I've pulled through, and i feel better about it. I know, i know, i should have made quicker decisions and not drag out the hurt. But how was i to know that things would never improve? :S Well, at least i could swear on my soul that i never talked bad about you after it ended. When people asked, i always blamed it on that it simply didn't work out, so we stopped. Perhaps you don't feel this way, i don't know, and i'll never know, and in fact, maybe i don't even need to know? Since trying anything more after a breakup is always a damn bad idea, which i've seen. I'm sorry for that. lol.

On another note, i'm sorry to all of you that i've let down. Thank you for looking at me the way you guys do, and i really dont think i've anything to return. It was never my intention to make you all feel this way, and i am sorry if i hurt any one of you. To me, it's like i found great friends who chat, help, go out and do whatsoever we want, whenever we want to. I definitely am not a solitary person, which i've tried. I tried being one actually, but in barely a day or two, i gave up, it's just not me. With this same scenario happening so damn frequently, i often lose friends which i can confide in. So is it really such a great thing to be loved, or the worse thing that could happen to me. I'm not looking for another r/s now. So, fuck it, seriously.

More, Maybe?

2009-08-29T12:46:00.004+08:00

Hah, how infuriating, that i couldn't really sleep with a peace of mind, knowing you're out there somewhere having fun? , and i cant help but feel that it wouldn't be the same if it was me.

The reason why I never really told anyone about us is purely cause you don't make me feel that it's true enough. If i were to tell anyone, I'd be abashed to tell them that I'm the one who has to do everything to please, and also the one to get hurt more easily. If you'd actually put yourself in my position, and think on my sake, you'd find that you're not doing enough?

So much for me thinking of what to do when 9/9 comes. I don't think you'll even know what that is even if i mentioned it. The plans, the ideas, the excitement.. it seems like they'll never be coming. Really, you think you make me feel so damned wonderful, but isn't that simply cause i make the most out of it, and honestly, I'm sick of that. Voicing out my displeasure never helps, with your ability to slide out of any disadvantageous situation, I feel like I'm talking to a wall, and it gets me even more annoyed?

If you've even spared a thought, you wouldn't have opted to occupy all seven days of the week throughout your holidays? Seriously, Fuck it.

I'll do my best to live life to its fullest w/ or w/o you. I've always placed you in my first priority, but have you done the same for me? I honestly think Not. With the end of this post, you're gonna be attempted to be thrown to the back of my mind, until it's numb, and i can tell myself truthfully, that I don't care, as much as you don't give a fuck about how i feel.

After 3 weeks..

2009-08-29T01:06:00.003+08:00

Things seem to be improving.. but are they really? At times, you make me feel that all the hurt is worth it, yet sometimes, you make me hate you as much as i love you. What i really need is simply a sense of security, not someone who's afraid to share her life with me. I'm trying, and I'll keep trying until a day arrives where you'll actually show concern without me prompting you. I don't see that day coming though, you simply do not notice half of how I feel most of the time anyways.

I really hate people who evades and shirks his way out of things. Can't we just talk it out and settle a problem? Why must you fucking ignore things you don't wanna see/hear and simply pick those you want to. That's really the one thing i can't stand, I simply need to get things settled before i can move on. That's not happening when it's You, you're really good at it, you know.

Pitiful assurances, I cant deny you've tried. Maybe that's the way you are, you're simply bad at words. But haven't you ever thought, even now, that words are terribly hurtful? If i were to repeat the things you said to me back to you, i don't fucking see how you're supposed to "feel better" after hearing them. I pointed it out, but you simply won't give a fuck about making me feel better? I've been considering to make you feel just as hurt as well, give me time, one day, i really might. Let's see how you fare then?

Was told to give it time, and i have, I'll see how it becomes after another few weeks or so. It definitely has its moments, but even after all these time, you still don't know what I'm asking for, Simply care and concern, along with sensitivity.
Can't you even do that?

Mood.

2009-08-17T19:38:00.002+08:00

In the end, I guess blogger should just remain a private place to vent out how i feel.

It hurts to think that even till today, despite what I've put in and done, you're still concerned so much more about how you feel. It's disappointing to even think that I'm willing to make any changes or give in to you the moment i feel you frowning, yet you wont, despite me trying to the point where I'm left speechless.

I'm waiting, everyone's telling me to wait it seems, and i am. But i don't think anything's gonna change unless you put effort into it. At the current rate, maybe you'll feel more comfortable with me in a couple of years? Sure, i'll wait, but for how long i wonder.

After Marcus said so, i do think it's true. I do have really high expectations. But in the end, I'm treating you the way i wish to be treated, in what fucking way is that wrong. So do you expect me to treat you the way i do now all the time, yet you're treating me the way i treat my worst friends, or worse? Seriously. I think i'd even treat a stranger better. If you do feel that uncomfortable with me, then just tell me. Fuck.

May things settle down..!

2009-08-12T22:44:00.002+08:00

Have i mentioned that blogger is acting really weird? oh well, was never good at it anyways..

It's been hectic for ages.. problems one after another. Yes, i do haf problems too! =)
As people say, there's gotta be a silver lining after every thunderstorm(was it?), i'll wait for it <3

Apart from that.. omg, exams are gonna start next week, ahhhhhhh! Please let me find the ability to concentrate.. I've tried!! but i never seem to be able to study properly anymore.. fink i have too many other things to think/do now?! Let's start tomorrow! That's what i said yesterday though.. haha!

Went to orchard ion for the third time today! the tako balls aren't too bad! haha! i think i'd be able to finish 10 balls anytime! Walked around with CLASSMATES for a while, i never was able to fill up my poor stomach though, things are really expensive!! As SOMEONE said, I'm always hungry it seems! T_T

Tonight, i wanna cry.

2009-08-11T03:09:00.008+08:00

你飞吧

2009-08-06T21:25:00.006+08:00

就让你飞飞过现在两个人胶着
风有多大雨有多美才是你的一切
给你的祝福　我不掉泪
说好天堂各自寻找请不要回头望
远远关心就好你飞吧

this song has been stuck in my head for the longest time, pretty lyrics.. pity.

There's been nothing new in life since my last post, except that exams are coming closer than ever. Oh my..
Been plagued by ill health since then as well.. I'm so sick and tired of ... it..
And here i'll wish myself "get well soon you noob!" HAHA!

You can only give away what you already have inside yourself. True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out.

how true is that?

Grazing at home

2009-07-30T17:37:00.006+08:00

There doesn't seem to be an end to the assignments given!! How annoying. It might be the cause of like.. 6 of my classmates falling sick? including myself =( Oh well, i guess things will start getting better after these 2 weeks, but by then, the end of sem tests will be here QQ. Good luck peeps!!

I had a really high fever last night at 38.4, haha! I keep getting the image of my single brain cell sizzling, wilting and die off. =P Took a load of my mind last night, something I've been struggling since.. school started? I'm glad i did too. I guess i got impatient, or either that, its thanks to my fever for doing me a favor. Now that it's been done.. please go away fever, you've outlived your purpose, i wanna go back to school! I miss them, but my mc lasts for a week, hais!

Here are some random pictures for the previous post where i didn't get to upload photos. Keep this a secret from hengbu! HAHA.

吃鸡腿的男人最帅！！It's hengbu!

Gabriel and his head-shaking pro'ness.

wa.. 帅！！LOL

Gabriel eating what you see in the picture below. Yuck?!

All the carbon goodness.

Didn't get to snap anything of Ben. Oh well =)
*prays for recovery soon, so damn bored.. QQ

I meant whatever i said, and i'm not gonna regret them <3

Here comes the weekends!

2009-07-24T23:19:00.010+08:00

Blogger looks really weird these days, think it needs a facelift or something!

Nothing much happened since my last post, but i guess i really shouldn't let my personal mood affect others, its bad! It's so awkward when your friends don't have anything to talk about amongst themselves because you're having a fragrant face. haha! I shall do me best to keep it contained =)

Went to Yuki & Yaki for dinner last night with a hengbu, ben and gabang, whatever happened to my tight bud?! Hais!
The food's pretty okay i guess, at least the things they offer looks somewhat better then seoul garden's? bigger pieces, not that much phats and all. =)

Lots of spastic photos were taken, but they'll never find out! wahahaha!

oh.. i cant put any photos, omg! haha!

Today was such a boring ass day, i'm basically going to school to just waste my time away. Sigh.. why do i even bother?!
Was in a pretty bad mood all day, till i had a chocolate bar! But i guess even that didn't help in the end.
I've no idea where to place my priorities recently, i enjoy being with my classmates, but i really like being with my other friends too.. Oh well, after today, i think i really should check before canceling any outings on a whim, it's dangerous. Felt like a stone hit me when i was already at the bottom of a well. <-- cute analogy haha!

Ended up, it wasn't so bad afterall, randomly picked a hairstyling shop along tpy streets, there are like.. 20 of them along tpy?! And hey, it wasn't too bad! Had a guy cutting for me, he's really into details! All in all, i like the place! =P Shall intro it to marcus, so that he can get his fur shaved there too!

My final theory test for driving is on monday omg, and i really, totally, haven't started at all. HAHA!
My weekends will be terribly packed though, and thats really rare. I usually leave weekends free =(
Tomorrow i'll be playing mahjong, wish me luck! Then we'll be having dinner after.. or something
Work on sunday, then we gonna go celebrate Jovan Ang's birthday, i'm really broke, but hey, i'll go for you!! <3

With that, how am i supposed to study for the theory test at all?! Oh well, i could always fail and retake it maybe? Also, i'm gonna make myself stay back in school everyday to study from next week on, Nothing's gonna stop me, Rawr!
I think that's more than enough for a post, till next time then..!
Hey you, don't be upset, Smile!

How I wish i was able to read minds..

Moody.

2009-07-20T21:03:00.001+08:00

Monday, 20th July

2009-07-20T01:23:00.009+08:00

Havent blogged for a really long time, sorry bout that, but no helping it.

I really really dislike using friends as a place to vent off my frustrations, or affect anyone to make em feel down. So after this post, i'll consider locking this blog up.

Nothing really eventful as from my last post, normal outings and such, met up with my cousins though, its nice meeting different people for a change, 5 days a week at school have been testing my limits so much that I'm already bursting at the seams.

And for people who knows about my little incident at Queensway, I've really been over it(more than it) since some time ago. So don't worry about that, if you were, worried, that is.

People sure differ greatly in thinking and style. I noticed that i love making a big fuss out of small things. A simple action such as buying new stuff, and i enjoy taking a childish delight savoring my latest purchase or making what i do sound really exciting though its probably something really mundane. I've always been doing that, as it gives me more content to talk about, more like making really normal things sound so much more interesting and lively. So much that i feel awkward if i don't, but how then, do i make people take me seriously?

Striking up conversations have never been much of a problem, yet now, i find myself thinking for ages for every reply i give, hoping that it doesn't sound as stupid as it actually is. Weird huh? I guess there's a limit for everything, no matter how hard you try.

How i wish, that i could have the best of both worlds, you know, mix around with this part, and that.. As if that's gonna happen though.

At the end of the day, is it really worth it to feel this miserable and anguished? I have no answer to that myself.

Back to school...

2009-07-05T22:20:00.003+08:00

Oh noes, school ish starting again!! whats gonna happen to my hours of sleep =(
But meh, at least it comes with something good, its fun to be with my classmates HAHA. i sure will miss my jc/sec friends though.

Presenting to you my class's best designer, tat tat!

-the upload thing isnt working QQ-

Went out with my sis today! Went around from simlim(ewww..) to city hall to suntec blah blah, its nice travelling with her, its just cabbing everywhere. What the heck's MRT?! =P Bought myself a few toys to entertain myself in my spare time .. <3 Good luck with getting papers back people!!

MST's are over!

2009-07-03T00:39:00.003+08:00

All 3 papers are over, rejoice! =)

It's the first time taking papers at a polytechnic level, it aint much difference from any other exams though. I actually thought there'd be less memorising and more understanding, but meh, i guess that still doesnt change, the content isn't so heavy though...

Enough talk on that, i simply hope that everyone will get their desired scores which they really wish for. Stop being so pessimistic pleassseeeee! It'd be kinda sad to hear friends telling you they're gonna change courses isn't it!

Well, basically there were a great many outings in the past.. 2 weeks? Be it birthdays, "study" outings or whatever blah blah. At least it wasn't just plain studying =D In fact, its so much better if you went out after a paper, to just sit down and relax...

Watched ice age 3 today! I think i liked it pretty much hahaha, compared to all the boring 到。。。。 movies recently watched. The conspiracy, alien and monsters?!?! :S
After that, went down to the boardgame place at clarke quay with some nubs, and well, we played boardgames, Obviously.

Weirdest part of the day was when me, tat, meishan and aliff were waiting for the train at dhoby ghaut on our way home. Some funny guy approached me, AGAIN, asking for some money. Why me!!!!! hais, in the end, he even mentioned something like he's gonna jump off a building tomorrow or something.. I really can't tell whether such people are being honest or..... oh well, lets check out the news for the next few days.

20th june

2009-06-20T21:38:00.011+08:00

There's been a whole series of birthdays recently, just updating for the sake of .. updating? =)

Firstly, here are photos taken during shiling's celebration! though she only sent me those with my fayse in it.. haha

JinJie's NINE INCHES?!?!?!

The food looks good right?! but so little only... =(

my molesting domo session, how cool =D

Next on was.. weehoe and adeline's birthday. Happy birthday bro! Photos were taken again, but i never received them, so.. just know that their birthdays are over haha.

Lastly was Emily's birthday, which was celebrated yesterday! we bought her a hat?? or whatever you call it, and a cool pair of sunglasses! =)
As again, photos were taken, duh! but i never received any again QQ.except for those that jane took hahahaha. She simply had to send me those because she went hysterical laughing at them ><

i'm only gonna put one of them out, its too embarrassing.. i wore them only because it was a birthday thing alright, no more!

and with that, i wish all of these birthday kids a sweet 18!

On a side note,
How i wish things could stop changing ..
Perhaps the best way is to just sit back, relax and wait, things will be forgotten in due time anyways =)

June 08

2009-06-08T23:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a couple of days since holidays started, not had a decent rest since then though, where's my 18 hours of sleep a day?!?!

Terribad day, met up with lester to cut my already short hair, im just glad the shop didnt open even though we waited for quite a long time hahaha. Cutting next week or something really sounds so much better. I feel really poor now that i dont play any games, there goes my endless supply of money =( but i guess that i shouldn't go back to playing games too much anyways.

After the wasted trip to Kallang, went back to tpy to meet Jane =) She's still as short as ever, i think all the Jane's are born like that... poor things. HAHAHA!
Stayed at mac for an hour or so, till my laptop's battery died on me.. Went to the library to scavenge for a seat and a plug, must have walked like 15 mins or so, bleh.

After a few hours of serious business, i took a bus to potong pasir and headed to ps to meet some people... it was kinda boring... hahaha. Where got people go home so early one! noobs!

Lastly, its been quite a painful day, new shoes causing abrasion with my ankle =S tsk tsk ... Ah well, there are good stuffs too, at least not everything i bought turned out bad today =) its fun experimenting hahaha!

Am i thinking too much over the simplest things? mehmeh doesn't know =(

1st June

2009-06-01T20:56:00.003+08:00

Oh man, i think i've spent wayyyy too much on the first day of the month. I've been trying so hard to save up last month cause of the same problem, arghhh!

Today we wents out for a farewell party for Mijaya at seoul garden, i think i over ate again hahaha. We wents to arcade .. again! (This class srsly loves to go arcade, so much) Soon after we wents to play archery, thats something new.. =O but its kinda costly, 5 dollars for 5 mins of playing =(

There should be plenty of pictures for this outing, but im too lazy, just go check other's, im sure they'll post. ^^

Got locked out of house till 8+, oh man, i really shouldn't forget my keys anymore..

I'll probably spend the rest of the night doing bits of VB, contemplating whether should i get mai pants changed to 32, and hoping that i WILL wake up tomorrow, i'm having lots of trouble with that recently, some help pl0x! =D Bye!

May 30

2009-05-30T22:15:00.003+08:00

It's been a booring day i think, just work and sleep and eat. Well, can't expect much more, except for the work part to be removed, i dislike wasting 1 day of my short 2-day weekends sooo much =S But that can't be helped hahaha. I think i'm starting to get better for my flu, but meh, i still seem to feel abit weird. Please go awayyyy.

More importantly..

A Toa-Payoh buddy, Monkey Mendra Mijaya Papaya Banana, is going to leave us soon..
It's sad, even though i've never went to school with him before, seldom go home together, and i don't speak Indonesian. =D

It's been fun, being the co-owner with him of Marcus, the HAWT-Dog. Soon, i'll be the sole owner of this lousy animal, and oh man, that makes me sooooo sad. Well, theres nothing much we can do about it, except throw a farewall party for him! =) I've no idea what we could do to make it more.. memorable? but lets just hope he'll have a good time, so i'm looking forward to it quite a bit.

We'll miss you! <3
HAHAHA.

Terrible Flu May 27

2009-05-27T20:07:00.004+08:00

i'm quite positive that i'm dying, hahaha. I'm leaking like some open tap, how does anyone survive that, you tell me. I puts on a brave face in front of people, and nod slowly when people ask me how you're feeling, putting on an artful face of suffering, but not overdoing it. I wave people away from me if they come too close, as though not wanting them to come close to this dreadful virus, because it simply adds on as another dramatic effect. Mehmeh suffers alone, and wants to be alone =D

It's nice to know people care! A big thank you to the people who actually messaged/called me to ask if i'm feeling okay this morning, namely Wijaya, yaya and jerry, did marcus count? HAHA. The dumpling pretended to care alot too! LOL. I wasted my day at school though, i didn't do anything cept sleep, waste alot of tissues and let everyone know that i'm sick, cause the test didn't occur afterall, Q_Q.

I think i'll stop here today, i'm busy challenging myself on how long i can sleep. kthxbai! =D

May 26!

2009-05-26T23:04:00.002+08:00

oh my gawds, i is having a flu i think, my nose feels weird and my head feels like its being sucked from inside hahaha. I blame Chee for sneezing and coughing in my fayse for the whole of tbcm zomg!

There hasn't been much going on this week i thinks, cept somehow something to do/study for every day, how sad. Monday was cool though, i wents to school for half hour, then went to some weird warehouse. Perry, i thinks you dances so wellz on para para, keep trying pl0x! hehe. Kai, you're really good too, but j00 are not funny enoughz sorry! =D The movie was, bleh.. sleepy and boring as ym. Except that it was impossible to sleep cause theres marcus dog and wijaya papaya smacking each otherz left right centre throughout the whole show, not to mention flying popcorns, zomg. It's kinda sad that Wijaya's leaving next week though, meaning this is his last week with us, we really ought to have a farewell party i think??

Highlight of the day, my house had a blackout. I was playing dota with marcus dog halfway, then suddenly everything turned off, i cant believe myself though, my first reaction was to laugh. HAHAHAHA, then there was this cockroach creeping around and everyone was freaking out! I hads to squishes it with a newspaper though, poor thing, please dont come again. =D

Lastly, good luck to everyone for their dbms test! hahaha, please don't flunks again, you coulds ask me for helps during teh test though /wink.

Sinful Saturday

2009-05-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

12 hours flew by and when i woke up, it was already like 1pm. It's rare that i get a whole saturday free to do whatever i want =) Being such a good kid like myself, i decided today shall be a studying day! But guess what, that didnt really happen hahaha.

The whole day was uneventful, cause i fell back asleep at 2pm again, sorry friends! I didnt last past an hour at the library lol, and when i woke up, it was 7, Time for dinner!! mwahahaha. My brother and his soon-to-be wife brought me, the little kid out for dinner. It wasn't too bad, we went all the way to where my secondary school was, the 85 market at bedok. We ate a lot of things though, its been sooo long since i've had a decent dinner hehe. We ate like minced meat noodles, stingray, chicken wings and oyster, lubricate me more pl0x. hahahaha. My brother's been emo'ing that i've not gotten him a little sister and has been harping on it for weeks, dude, grow up -_-

After that, we went off to Try and catch a movie at Lido, oh man, PACKED. In the end, there were only the 2 front rows left, and we didn't really want that, do we? So we decided to go look for some waffle w/ ice cream. We walked up and down everywhere, but in the end, we went back to the car, and went to ntuc, man, we're getting old :D The joke of the day, my PPP, Purple Pig Project, and im the president, making me the PPPP. So we changed every word to have a P in front, hehehe. We bought some batter and Ben&Jerry's. YUM, we almost bought the chubby hubby flavor just to poke at my brother though hehe.

Well, sadly, we're still trying right this moment to make a normal waffle, cause the past 2 has been a fiasco :( but its ok.. we'll keep trying, even if i have to sacrifice my studying time ^^ I think i'll leave that to tomorrow instead hahaha. BYE!!

20 May

2009-05-20T19:52:00.002+08:00

I must admit i am, really quite good, at sleeping ^^ I think i slept from 5pm yesterday to this morning, and i actually woke up late for school, AWESOME! & ya'know.. the moment i dont talk too much in school, like this morning's first lesson, i got myself 3 people asking me, how come you're so quiet, are you feeling unwell? =O Do i really strike as such a .. ?? person? hahahaha, Shocking.

It's the first time playing CS again in years.. think my last time is probably like in the primary school era, but hahaha, it sure can be fun ^^ Our only male teacher is wayyyy to nice for his own good, i kinda expected a lecture after his lecture, which we were too busy to pay attention to, man, he makes me feel sooo guilty =(

The last lesson was uneventful of course, belonging to that of a demon in disguise, piercing our minds with her ultrasonic disgusting waves. I get a headache listening to her talk past 5 mins, how awful =S worst of all, i have no idea how i managed to bite my own tongue, so hard, that i couldn't stop tasting iron, Ewwwwwww! Anyways, THANKS MOM, I CANT BELIEVE THERE WAS DINNER AT HOME, but i totally dont have appetite for it though, so sorry :( blood doesn't seem to go well with anything at all, especially waffles, omg, it tasted like bloody starch, literally haha.

Upon reflecting, i think i really quite hate myself for who i am. Indecisive, skeptical, lack of confidence etc.. and especially the fact that i think wayyy too much for my own good. On my way home, this aunty came up to me from nowhere, somewhere near my house, and asked me for 2 dollars or something, and in the end, she got what she wanted. This is like the .. 3rd time this month alone? I've got so many weird people approaching me to ask me for this and that, do i really look like such a 'fat goat' to them? I just hope that they were being truthful, but in my honest opinion, i think not. The amount isn't really such an issue, im not too sure how to put it either, it's just not nice being lied to.

I'm so sorry =(

Sunday <17th!!>

2009-05-17T22:56:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna make things really short and quick! Been quite a busy day, work in the morning to afternoon, then went out to catch angels and demons, it aint too bad i guess! except that i've already read the book, so it's so predictable =( I had lunch at a pretty nice place though, Shokudo at heeren's! It felt so much like marche, cept it was like Japanese styled, i'm pretty disappointed that i only ate dessert there though.. cause i've already eaten. Their waffle with ice cream is reallyyyy nice, the waffle's so thick and fat, and the vanilla was really nice, the price wasn't that nice though .. =O

I think i'll probably slack abit then go off to bed, the dbms slides are practically useless anyways, i better go buy the textbook tomorrow ^^ byeee

Sat morning run!

2009-05-16T12:09:00.003+08:00

it's a whole new experience for me, to actually wake up early enough, to find that the weather's good, and i dont feel like dropping back on bed again. Partly i think thats cause of my brother's alarm clock which never stops ringing :S Anyways, it felt pretty good, haha! feels like theres been additional hours added to my day, since i feel pretty tired out right now and its only noon, long day ahead, i think! Regardless, i'll probably be doing some work today.. so that tomorrow' will be free =)

hey jane, don't feel bad about today, we all understand =) a moment of silence for the passing of someone's grandmom please ..

With that, i think i'll be going back to bed, goodnight !!

Friday 15th

2009-05-15T23:44:00.002+08:00

been a pretty tiring week, with quizzes and photo shoots, if only they'd stop.. =)
but hehe, its amazing, i just found out holidays are coming in a while, like in a couple of weeks, hahaha. quizzes were terrible to be honest, i guess it's something new, especially the one given by the demon witch, disgusting questions, they're as bad as her english is. :S

ah well, apart from that, at least there's gonna be stuffs to look forward to this weekend other then work of course! sat's gonna be a jc friends' catch-up day, where we all chilli together.. HAR HAR. Sunday aint's too bad eithers, is probably gonnas catch angels and demons, despite all the baaaad stuff written on the news.. i think? i guess it's something worth watching! I'd prefer ice age 3 and night in the museum any other day though, childish i know .. =) Think theres gonna be another quiz next week.. ouch, so much for a break. Think its so bad that my current classmates are all turning emo one by one! its funny to watch, and i kinda lost my main entertainment cause i poked it too much =( now it's angry, and its my fault QQQQQ It's alright, there's more then enough other stuff to play with, like tat tat's new meaning, dropping omelettes on da floor, getting lectured for @!$#@ reasons etc. How great. i think i'll faint if i stay on much longer, so bye! =)

Tuesday 12

2009-05-12T20:49:00.002+08:00

Been a reallyy tiring day.. guess i didnt get enough sleep =( but oh my, so many interesting things appeared today ^^

The epic work completed in the first lesson !! This entertained us for a good part of the day.

After the botak chin's lesson, there was this extra lesson... which i kind of wasted my time cause i fell asleep till it was over =( Went home after that with marcus and perry. Perry was telling us that he was catching hints of a BIG BIG scandal going on! he went on to explain to us his analysis and why he thinks so.. and i agree with him, we're pretty observant, so people out there, watch it! /smirk

Taken by yours truly! and i swear, no facewarp program was used, pure skills! HAHAHA!

Well, nothing else happened, except that i huffed and puffed like some dumb ... bull? kthxbai in any case ^^

FREE VIDEO ! !

Oh' Saturday

2009-05-09T20:35:00.005+08:00

Today was a blast, waking up to have a serious convo at 8am in the morning, it just felt, weird.. and well, it was about how i should not be randomly spending here & there. The funniest part of it was, i kinda lied on the prices of the stuff i bought (i know that's bad), but i still got reprimanded for the boogey price i gave lol. Imagine if i didn't, i think i'd die on the spot =O

Well, it wasn't that bad really, left for work soonafter and my brother's future mother-in-law at the shop was still ever so supportive hahaha. She said just tell my mom its 5 dollars a piece next time la! i've never thought of it that way though.. cause' its really hard to believe eh? but my mom does expect prices like that i guess :S

All these doesn't matter much.. right after i reached home i think i simply bathed and went back to bed, to make up for alllll the lost sleeping time i couldn't get in the week. I couldnt' even bring myself to wake up for my jogging time hahahaha. I guess i need something better then an alarm clock, preferably something which doesn't stop ringing until i really drag myself off the bed. Putting it simply, i think i slept from like 4 to 8+ in a go, feels great ^^

Introducing the main character of the day, which i feel i've been really mean to recently i must say. Cute right, cuter then a particular smurph i know of =) This is probably the best picture i've been able to take of her hahaha. It's really much like a love-hate relation between me and my dog at most times. But what i love about her is that regardless of how bad-tempered you were to her, she'll forget it half an hour later. She's ever so excited about you coming home daily from wherever, you, being the highlight of her life, something to look forward to. This is a promise to treat you better then i am now, but just dont lick me too much pleazze, it itches. :)

And thanks jovan, yesterday wos' really fun i think. Let's go weekly hahaha.

I'm pretty bad at posting afterall, but i still did. It's really weird though, i made the blog for my own uses, but i even made a board corner cause' its always there usually, how contradicting =S I guess it's time to start on some work due on monday now, so goodbye world. I'm oh' so looking forward to tomorrow's mother's day too!! ... i think!

3 long weeks ..

2009-05-09T00:55:00.001+08:00

3 weeks have fleetingly swept under my feet before i knew it and soon i'll be able to commemorate on my first month in SP. I've been asked countless times how's life in this new environment, and my standard answer will probably be a shrug and "okay okay la, so-so lor". There are just so many factors to consider whether am i having a better time, or not. Till now, my answer will still probably be a "/shrug, who knows?".

It's been a whole new experience though.. i'm pretty glad that i haven't got myself any weird classmates at least, because i've seen some around. It's been pretty decent 3 weeks i could say, getting to know your classmates and all. Sadly, i still feel i'm not really being too truthful to myself, do i really like to be an entertainer in class, or am i simply not used to not having some noise going on, so much that i have to personally make sure something's going on at any one time. I sure miss you guys, those four years, i guess they cant ever be reverted. Maybe after time, i'll be able to calm the fuck down and be what i really am =)

On that note, its kinda nostalgic, i ran away from a jc hoping to land myself in a place where life would be easier for me, or rather, start afresh with a lighter burden placed on my shoulders. Yet, i ended up with a shit of a load far worse then before.. :(
Maybe i simply need to learn to grow up and face realities, and learn to face the responsibilities in life.

Life hasn't been bad all the time though, i've been going for whatever i want to buy or do every day of the week, spending lavishly like a fag without regards to the recession whatsoever, and it feeeeeels good hahahaha. It comes along with a strong feeling of guilt though, knowing how my siblings will react to it, but to be honest, i cant be fucked at the moment. Cause' money is a really really sensitive subject to me right now.

Life sucks in a sense though, my mom seemed to have switched from a 6days at home, 1 day out per week to some 6 days out, 1 day in routine. I guess she doesn't know how much it means for me to be able to look forward to having a good home-cooked meal at home after a day at school. I've kinda lost a person i could speak to as well, and that, hurts.

I must seem like a really independant kid though, having 3 siblings a decade or more older then me treating me as an equal when it comes to sharing jobs to be done. It really sucks, having to juggle between my own studies, emotions and having to spend one of my weekend days tending at the shop. Yet, when it comes to other matters, such as spending habits, where i get to study and more, they automatically assume the role of an elder, convenient isnt it. Having parents suck at times, must be disastrous to have like 3 mothers and 2 dads eh?

It's been nice to familiarise myself more and more with my current class, i love the general feel, and how most of the people are willing to waste time doing funny stuffs just for the "togetherness". But school life's still missing a tangible something though, maybe i simply cant voice out how i feel, to not sound like some emo retard thinking too much of everything, but that's how i am, and what im actually thinking all the time.. Thanks for being there though, B2 and B5, you guys were irreplacable during these times.

Who knows when i'll next post. ^^